Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
