Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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