Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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