look no pants
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
