This is not my ceiling
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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