I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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