Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just invented taco cereal.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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