My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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