Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
