They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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