dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
