how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
