Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
