Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
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My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
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He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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