grandma shit on top of the toilet
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?