i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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