Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.