I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
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I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
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I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....