Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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