Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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