I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
