Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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