once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
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I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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