Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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