Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
How's work?
Spinning.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
