he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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