Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
