Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
