guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
