Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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