No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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