My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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