No stitches, just platelets and will power
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
