Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
