god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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