We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
