So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
