i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
