Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
