My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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