I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
