Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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