I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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