i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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