you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
