Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
