i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??