my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.