I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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