if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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