don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
