you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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