I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dicks are not precious.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
