so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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