I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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