I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
