Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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