I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
